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Josh Rollins Writes

A pseudonym at a coffee shop near you. Hunched over his keyboard like an antisocial porcupine, judging you quietly while sipping his coffee, mumbling under his breath.

This was supposed to be a post about addiction to porn. But it Isn’t.

I tried to write about my porn addiction five times and failed. I constantly kept going in different directions and dwelled in problematic areas in my life, which I tagged as “porn addiction.” I was ready to say it: ladies and gentlemen, I’m a porn addict. More so, I wanted to say it. I wanted the relief that comes with the realization and the comfort that could come with the sympathy. But the problems I dug from my past were issues of human connection, ignorance and plain stupidity. At the end, I couldn’t write a confession, because it was simply not true.

It’s easy too easy to blame porn for things gone wrong in our lives. Don’t get me wrong, I understand porn addiction is a real thing and a problem for many of today’s young men, but I think it has also become a comfortable excuse for anything from laziness to impotency.

The truth is, Porn bores me. I do enjoy homemade clips, the kind where people record themselves in the act, but I wouldn’t call these porn. When I realize there’s fakeness involved, I usually lose interest and go look elsewhere. For me it has always been about the human connection and the chemistry.

I didn’t have difficulties getting into relationships with girls when I was younger because I was fantasizing about porn stars. I  had my fetishes as a teenager — some of which happily exist today and are safely practiced with willing partners — but they didn’t stand in the way of “ordinary” sex, if there is even such a thing. I was too damn shy and my family changed homes in a frequency that would put CIA undercover agents to shame. When the first opportunities presented themselves, I couldn’t get hard  because I felt I had to know what to do even though I was completely clueless. Sex didn’t just “happen.” I had to learn to do it the same way I learned to swim or ride bicycle. By the time I met my first girlfriend, I had such a terrible record of failures I considered using viagra before I even tried to have sex with her for the first time. I was 25 and perfectly healthy. It was a dark period, one that is worth a careful look at, but not through porn-addiction glasses.

While it’s true that watching porn enhanced my anxieties (after all, there’s a limit to how many handsome, six-pack yielding men you can watch in any context before you start thinking something is wrong with you), I never immersed myself in it nor have I needed it to fuel my own desires. Up to today, it’s my partners (past and present) and people I’m attracted to that star in my fantasies. I do not get all hot for some actress from “the foxy babysitter II.”

So I can’t really talk about my addiction to porn, but I can talk about fascination with sex and how it shapes every aspect of my life, from this blog, through my career choice, my relationships, my living situation, and even my spiritual views. This should be interesting.  


Warning: Unedited, Raw Content Ahead.

Warning: Unedited, Raw Content Ahead.

Blood to ink

I’m currently working on another post to my blog which happens to be very revealing. Looking back, it seems the best posts I’ve written are expository in a way that sometimes makes me question if they should be put out there anyway (in the end, it’s always worth it).

I put myself out there for better or worse, but it’s only recently I’ve discovered I don’t have a choice. If I’m not personally…

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(Source: sexynerdgirls, via jackfromnc)

JR Writes Update

It’s as if I was in some accident and I’m slowly recovering. Immersing myself in writing itself is a second nature at this point, but it’s the part of getting there that requires the most effort. Once I’m behind my Google Document screen, reading over the last few lines I wrote, a few seconds pass from the moment I type the first hesitant sentence and the typhon of writing begins. Even if I don’t…

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Scheduling Your Relationships in Five Steps

As modern professionals, work often gets more of our time and energy than significant others. If monogamous couples struggle to keep a working relationship even in a live-in situation, for non-monogamists, finding the time for everyone can border the impossible. For me, the solution to this problem is scheduling. In my opinion there’s no other way: if you want functional relationships with more…

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My smartphone: depression alarm

My smartphone: depression alarm. A post about self expression, being a geek, and love to android phones #depression #geek #android #theme

For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been struggling with intense depression that effectively reduced my productivity level to near-zero levels. At its peak, I experienced the kind of heightened sensory overstimulation that similar to a hangover: everything was too loud, too bright, too fast.

I had trouble sleeping because the sound of the clock ticking in the livingroom. The neighbors’ TV was…

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Netflix pays “Bribe” to Comcast: Here we go…

Netflix pays “Bribe” to Comcast: Here we go…

Netflix is already paying for Comcast to allow it to stream its video without interruption. Here are a couple of quotes from the New York Times article:

“The deal is a milestone in the history of the Internet, where content providers like Netflix generally have not had to pay for access to the customers of a broadband provider.”

“It is also unclear whether the Comcast-Netflix deal violates the…

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